So torn....

God has been pushing me the last few weeks, but especially the last few days, to deal with something that I thought was fine. It wasn't until I examined it through God's word, prayer, and the comforting tongues of others that I saw things not going as they should. I saw how much hurt I had received, how little I positively received, how unwanted I felt.

And yet, driving home tonight, I wanted to turn around a hundred times. I wanted to take each touch of the brakes from the person in front of me as a sign that I was wrong to do this, that I had to turn back, back to open arms and fresh-shed tears.

Cause I know, that even though it hurt along the way, I felt safe. I felt like I knew what was going on, how to act, etc. I knew what needed to be worked on on both ends. I felt love and security.

Right now, I have several close friends gathering around the US and praying for me. Praying that I would stay strong tonight. That I wouldn't weaken, that I would stand up for myself and explaining lovingly what I have felt God telling me to do. Their prayers were answered, but at the expense of my heart crumbling....

I pray that God give me strength where I fail fast...give me peace where I feel pain...give me hope when all seems lost... Right now I'm praying that this day didn't happen, actually, that I'd wake up tomorrow and it'd be the same situation as before. I don't respond well to change at all, and typing through tears kind of stinks too :P

I guess I can make my list here...it's kind of quiet, not many people read this...
- I want pursuing. I want to feel like I am worth being pursued.
- I want communication. I want to be reminded daily that someone is thinking of me.
- I want to know what it feels like when a promise is kept. My heart cringes thinking of the times where I looked expectantly for them....
- I want romance and spontaneity (if that was a word...?). I love surprises and reminders that someone remembers something about me...if that makes sense. Like if someone came up to me and handed me my favorite dessert. I'd feel loved a hundred times over, because I knew that person put thought, effort, and time into doing that for me.
- I want encouragement. I literally cried when my leader listed off qualities about me that I hadn't heard from the other source. To know that someone saw me for me and let me know...was huge.

Alright, fresh bucket of tears, here we go. God help me sleep tonight...