A slap to the head

Ever get in the habit of doing something, or not doing something, and then weeks, months or even years later you find yourself in that "oh snap" moment where you realize what you have been doing?

This week has been a real eye opener to me. Last week I went home, then I had company over, so I wasn't able to see Sean that much except if he helped cook dinner or something like that. This week, I have him "to myself" till my friends get here on Thursday and Friday, so we've been hanging out a lot. I've been trying to let myself be me without sarcasm, encouraging more, and definitely show him that I love him in everything I say or do. It may or it may not have something to do with the "Love and Respect" book that I've only read one chapter out of. But I am realizing now that respect is HUGE to Sean.

We have been dating 23 months 1 week (or 23 months 6 days and about 20 hours). This morning I woke up realizing that this week has been AMAZING. Sunday we walked around together, ate dinner and desserts together, and watched some anime:-P Monday we hung out from the early morning until late at night, just talking, playing Guild Wars a bit, and just appreciating each other's company. Yesterday I stayed home and did work till 6:30ish - finished the first set of questions again, yay! - and went over to his house to cook dinner with him, make some cookies, and play Guild Wars. Connecting with him....BEING with him is something that I can't allow myself to take for granted anymore. Each day I spend with him is different from the first, a challenge to be myself and yet share love and respect with Sean, because he deserves that.

I have spent so many weeks, months, over a year, obsessing with the idea that we had to be better than other couples, that I ended up pushing him this way or that trying to fit into a hole that wasn't made for the two of us. We're different people than other couples; we've been engaged a little over 7 months now, but haven't set a date or planned much other than jobs. Sometimes it's frustrating to me that he doesn't have a job, but I'm proud..SO proud...of him for trying daily to put his resume out there, to see what the world has to offer for our future. Print Journalism and Photography are hard jobs to come by, but I pray that if it's God's will, He gives Sean the desires of his heart and allows him to enjoy working and preparing for our future.

I'm sorry if this seems just randomness all strewn together. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, figuring out what I should have been doing almost 2 years ago. Rather, I'm realizing that I'm an imperfect girl living in a chaotic world that says "do this" and finally understanding why I should "do that" instead. I'm excited to be marrying Sean next year, but I'm even more excited about the idea of loving him in a way that he gets and can respond to.