The rest is up to you...

I had this silly girly thought in my head that you would come back here. That you would take this (highly) opportune moment and PURSUE me. That you would show that you still cared for me. I'm not looking for "whatever makes me happy." I am looking for you. I want changes just as much as you...in myself. I am working hard at growing in these different aspects of my life that are twisted with habits that harmed you. I apologize, APOLOGIZE, for not making my apologies better known for the last 2+ years....

I wish you could see what this does to me. My will isn't strong, but I pray it will be today. All I want to do is hear your voice say my name. Remember that crazy thing I liked? You didn't stop saying my name for 5 minutes when I told you that.

I want both of us to change for the better, even if it's not for the ultimate purpose of each other. I don't think, however, that constructive criticism is welcome just yet. Right now we can use what the other says to boost the hurt we feel. I think I used mine last night to fuel my fire of anger that you so easily heard in my voice. Right now is the time for encouragement, but not in that form. Right now, neither of us have a place to say such things. Our lives are as apart as they were on August 17, 2006, sans the knowledge of each other's existence.

As much as I want to open up more, to share more of my thoughts, I have to shower in order to be at work on time. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. I won't lie and say I'm not praying every second that you will realize all that I've said and call me, fly to me, something. I've heard "let him go" more times than I can count in the last month, yet I'm still having trouble doing it. There's a lot of reasoning - fear, uncertainty, timidness, pain, love. So many emotions tied into this, I can't think straight...

Celebrity Deaths..

So I initially heard the news that Jeff Goldblum, Michael Jackson, and (today) Billy Mays died. However, the names didn't sink in except of course, Michael Jackson. I'm still not sure what to think of that....

Then, I googled the other 2 names (since they sounded familiar) and realized who they were.

= Jeff Goldblum, aka new guy on the CSI shows and one of the funniest characters, if not THE funniest, in Jurassic Park. That totally threw me for a loop...he's actually dead????

= "Hi, Billy Mays here for Oxy-Clean!" Yep, I couldn't put the name with a face till I found a news article on Billy Mays. The infomercial guy....that's hard to take too!

Honestly, I'm sure no one will really care that they died in 10, 15, or more years from now. Cept me. The first thought that crossed my mind was that "my kids will never get to see the man from Jurassic park OR the excited guy from the infomercials except in old commercials and movies...." How sad is it that the next generation misses out on such greatness??

A slap to the head

Ever get in the habit of doing something, or not doing something, and then weeks, months or even years later you find yourself in that "oh snap" moment where you realize what you have been doing?

This week has been a real eye opener to me. Last week I went home, then I had company over, so I wasn't able to see Sean that much except if he helped cook dinner or something like that. This week, I have him "to myself" till my friends get here on Thursday and Friday, so we've been hanging out a lot. I've been trying to let myself be me without sarcasm, encouraging more, and definitely show him that I love him in everything I say or do. It may or it may not have something to do with the "Love and Respect" book that I've only read one chapter out of. But I am realizing now that respect is HUGE to Sean.

We have been dating 23 months 1 week (or 23 months 6 days and about 20 hours). This morning I woke up realizing that this week has been AMAZING. Sunday we walked around together, ate dinner and desserts together, and watched some anime:-P Monday we hung out from the early morning until late at night, just talking, playing Guild Wars a bit, and just appreciating each other's company. Yesterday I stayed home and did work till 6:30ish - finished the first set of questions again, yay! - and went over to his house to cook dinner with him, make some cookies, and play Guild Wars. Connecting with him....BEING with him is something that I can't allow myself to take for granted anymore. Each day I spend with him is different from the first, a challenge to be myself and yet share love and respect with Sean, because he deserves that.

I have spent so many weeks, months, over a year, obsessing with the idea that we had to be better than other couples, that I ended up pushing him this way or that trying to fit into a hole that wasn't made for the two of us. We're different people than other couples; we've been engaged a little over 7 months now, but haven't set a date or planned much other than jobs. Sometimes it's frustrating to me that he doesn't have a job, but I'm proud..SO proud...of him for trying daily to put his resume out there, to see what the world has to offer for our future. Print Journalism and Photography are hard jobs to come by, but I pray that if it's God's will, He gives Sean the desires of his heart and allows him to enjoy working and preparing for our future.

I'm sorry if this seems just randomness all strewn together. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, figuring out what I should have been doing almost 2 years ago. Rather, I'm realizing that I'm an imperfect girl living in a chaotic world that says "do this" and finally understanding why I should "do that" instead. I'm excited to be marrying Sean next year, but I'm even more excited about the idea of loving him in a way that he gets and can respond to.

Too Early...

So, since I still haven't landed any sort of summer job in Lynchburg, I returned to one of my favorite home jobs: watching little Lauren. I came home on Sunday afternoon and was able to babysit her yesterday. She is growing so much, it almost made me cry some good ol' happy tears! Her communication was extraordinary yesterday, and I'm not just talking about the times she pushed the plate of blueberries on the floor because she didn't want them:-) She babbled in the car to and from HIPPO and Aquatics (PT). The little lamb didn't get a nap till almost 2:15, but she slept for a good 2 hours! I truly love working with her; she's a blessing in my life and a joy to be around.

She's actually the reason why I got up at 5:30 this morning.

She and her parents are going to some kind of checkup in Richmond today. I said I was fine staying home with her siblings (and one of their friends who spent the night!) so they could focus on Lauren. So, I got up, showered, made coffee and left. I'm now at their house, sadly wide awake. Darn coffee did its job on the only morning I didn't want it to:-) Normally caffeine makes me sleepy - I am used to drinking Mtn. Dew and Pepsi before bed (and class) at school and falling asleep 15 minutes later! So, this is a new feeling, this not-really-awake-awakeness. Oh well, hopefully something good will come out of it.

I finished "West Side Story" this morning. Thankfully I have never seen the play, heard about it, or anything before reading it. I thought it was good, but definitely hard to get through in some parts. It was one of those books that you could picture as a play and wishing you could cover your eyes or ears through parts, but you can't when reading it:-) But it was a good book nevertheless.

The girls I'm watching stayed up late watching a movie after their swim meet, so I'm not expecting interruptions till maybe 9:30? 10? I have to get them up by 10 - today is a music lesson day, so practicing that harp and piano is a must:-) But for now....blessed silence and finishing my darn caffeine-laced coffee while reading God's Word is enough for me:-)